Forever

I have sat down to try to write this post several times and haven’t found the words. I am determined this time. To write down something. Anything. To help me remember and to never forget. It happened just a little over a week ago now. It happened for the second time in my life. Two times more than any mother should ever experience, but it happens all the time every day.

I saw my child fighting for his life.

I didn’t know what the next minute held.

Would it hold life? or death?

Facing that kind of situation is overwhelming to say the least.

Just writing these words brings tears to my cheeks. But I don’t ever want to forget. I will write my feelings. I will record my thoughts. I “want” to. I might not want to right now, but I want to for later. You see that NICU is full of mothers going through the same thing as I have. None of us know what tomorrow brings for our family. And I don’t ever want to forget or grow unfeeling to mommas in this situation.

I will never forget the smell. The lights. The nurses. The doctors. They saved my babies. I still remember Josiah’s nurses and doctors like it was yesterday. I can see the room he was in and the other babies that were around him. I have not forgotten. I know I will never forget Jeremiah’s either.

I am forever endebted to them for a lifetime. A life. My son’s life. How could I forget?

But more so, I am forever grateful to my Heavenly Father for choosing to heal my boys. It was Him really. He used some amazing people to do it but it was all Him. That is how, just a week later and now I sit and cuddle my newborn son on my chest, who just a week ago was hooked up to machines that were helping him breathe.

And I can’t begin to put into words the peace that He gave me during this valley. I have never felt His peace so real. His arms so strong. And His comfort so abiding as I did last week. It still takes my breath away. I am still speechless. I want to write about it. I want to be able to come back and be reminded of His faithfulness to me. But I don’t even know how to capture it in words. My heart is so full. My spirit so overwhelmed. Why me? Why did He choose me to walk this road a second time? Did I fulfill His purpose? Did I speak of Him enough? Did I touch the life I was supposed to? He was so faithful to me, was I to Him? I pray that I was. I give praise that He was.

So, today, I write this to remind me, to tell others, and to encourage all.

God is faithful in the lowest of valleys. God is faithful at the bedside of my child and He is faithful in my home and marriage. He is faithful all the time. People are hurting, people are seeking, and people need love. How can I justify that my boys were healed when so many mommas leave that NICU with empty arms. I can’t. It isn’t my place. But I know that my God is faithful and His ways are perfect and I must never take for granted my healthy children, my full arms and my messy floor. For there are many families with just an empty hole. So much hurt. So close to home. It could have been me.

My God gave peace, my God chose life for my sons.

I am forever grateful.